I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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