Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
