i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
