Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
