my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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