toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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