What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
