Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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