Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
