What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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