i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
