ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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