Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
