Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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