mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
