just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
