her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
