bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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