i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
birth control should be required to get into college
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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