so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
