Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
