booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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