I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize