I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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