Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
