i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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