are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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