my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize