U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
