I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
