Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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