Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
