I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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