I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
