I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
