My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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