I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
