god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
