I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize