why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
