I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
