If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
