just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
