at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And then my night got REAL pukey
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
