It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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