I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
