Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
