I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
