My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
