I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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