david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
