I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
