i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
