I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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