please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
a search helicopter?!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
