Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
