Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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