i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
