woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
