For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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