I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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