Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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