Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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