I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
